Lately, I’ve been reading many people saying that [insert name of favourite amateur adventure game without voice acting here] would have been way better if it had voice acting. I, personally, don’t understand this huge fuss about the need for voices, seeing as I’m the type who can read faster than the characters speak and often end up right-clicking to skip the speech prematurely, so it ends up sounding like “Guybrush, I-” “Stop, you’re tickling-” “Oh no, it’s the Ghost Pirate LeCh-” … you get the picture.

However, for those of you who firmly believe that games MUST have voice acting, and that a game with bad voices is better than a game with no voices at all, I have a solution for you that’s a thousand times more effective and fruitful than the usual bug-the-game-developer-until-he/she/it-adds-voices strategy. Without further ado, I present to you… Adding Voices to Adventure Games: The Deirdra Kiai Productions Way!

First, before you play, gather up a handful of your friends. The more friends you can gather, and the more varied in age, gender, and nationality, the better. If you don’t have any friends, round up your family members. If you’re estranged from your family, drive around and pick up some bums and hitchhikers. If you live on a deserted island and never come into contact with anyone, make a sock puppet and call it Fred. If you don’t have any socks, well, I can’t help you. Sorry.

Boot up your computer. Have your friends (or family, or bums, or sock puppet) sit somewhere that’s comfortable, since they’re going to have to stay there for a rather long time. Make sure they have a good, clear view of your computer screen. If possible, hook your computer up to a projector so that your friends can see better. You may also want to bring your friends an ample supply of water so their throats won’t get too dry.

Now, start assigning parts to each friend. You can either do this by outright asking “Who wants to be so-and-so?” or simply dictating that your skinny, wimpy friend is Guybrush, your attractive female friend is Elaine, and your big, huge friend with a booming bass voice is LeChuck, and so on. (If you’re using a sock puppet, then the sock puppet has to do ALL the voices, and since sock puppets can’t actually talk, then it’s actually YOU who has to do all the voices. Hence, there’s no real reason for you to even have a sock puppet at all, other than the fact that it looks comical.)

As you play the game, have your friends read aloud the text that appears on the screen. If you can’t hear them, give them microphones. If their acting is not up to your standards, then start the game over from the beginning and yell “Do it again, but this time with more FEELING!” Repeat as many times as is necessary, peppering your admonishments with death threats for maximum effectiveness.

Every hour or so, allow your cast to take a five-minute break. With all the water you’re giving them, it’s inevitable that they’ll have to go to the bathroom sooner or later.

When you complete the game, offer a decent, sizeable monetary reward to your cast members for all their wasted time and effort. Since voice acting really is that important to you, you will, of course, want to make sure that they’ll return the next time you play an adventure game.

Voila, there you have it! Instant adventure game voices, with absolutely no work on the part of the game developer required!